


i guess you never know, and it's another day waking up alone

by roymustaangs



Category: Naruto
Genre: Character Death, Grief, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27443581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roymustaangs/pseuds/roymustaangs
Summary: Seeing his name engraved on the monument of heroes made Kakashi feel emptier than the lifeless apartment. The proof that he was actually gone, carved into the stone forever. It hurt to look at, but he needed to face this.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49





	i guess you never know, and it's another day waking up alone

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first ever kakairu piece, so i hope you all like it! beta'd by my amazing spouse, who saved you all from a wall of italicized text. some of the opening stuff is direct from canon, please forgive me.

The counter still held his things. A headband. A hair tie. A random shuriken that Kakashi was sure had been used in some form of sexual manner at some point. The echoes of his laughter still bounced around the bedroom. Around the living room. The echoes always ended in the kitchen, where they’d spent time getting to know one another. Getting to learn everything about each other. 

The silence was the hardest part. The way the apartment sat heavy. Empty. Devoid of the light and laughter that had once filled the rooms. It wasn’t a large apartment by any means. Modest, one bedroom. Small kitchen. Enough for one person. Until one became two. 

Kakashi picked up the hair tie, turned it over in his hand. He tugged it over his wrist and tucked it discreetly beneath his glove and headed out to begin his day. 

********

“If you feel like talking, I’ll listen.” 

“Kakashi, right?” Iruka said as Kakashi dropped down onto the bench beside him. Kakashi looked over at him, nodding. He wondered if Iruka just didn’t remember him from the one mission they’d had together, or the times they’d run into each other when they were younger. 

True to his word, Kakashi listened as Iruka described his struggle being Naruto Uzumaki’s teacher. He imagined it had to be hard, teaching the one who held the Nine-Tailed Fox inside of him. The reason the Fourth Hokage and his wife had perished, the reason so many shinobi had died. 

When they’d gone on the mission together, Iruka had seemed happier. Lighter, even. That person Kakashi had met back then didn’t match the person beside him now. This Iruka…He was dead. All the life and happiness had been sucked from him, as if he’d forgotten what that must have felt like. Kakashi knew. He’d felt it himself after Rin. He hadn’t seen the point in living after his hand had been the one by which his best friend had died. He wondered what it was for Iruka. What had changed? 

“Teachers are there to help students grow,” Kakashi said, almost carefully. “Isn’t that why you became one?” He watched Iruka. “Or maybe you’re trying to forget that.” He listened as Iruka explained that the Nine-Tailed Fox had been responsible for the death of his parents. Kakashi understood then why this was so hard for him. Why being Naruto’s homeroom teacher was so difficult. 

Kakashi stood up, sticking his hands in his pockets as he strolled away. “You’re the only one who can reach Naruto’s heart, and Lord Third knew that. Keep going, and you’ll find the way.” 

********

It was unusual to see students out of class so early in the day. When Kakashi heard it was all due to Naruto, he sighed a little. “The back hills?” Kakashi asked, to which one of the children nodded in response. Fuck, he thought as he took off for the back hills. He knew Iruka would have gone after his student, even if he had seemed less than eager to work with him just the day before. It wasn’t in Iruka’s nature. Anyone could see that. 

“Kakashi?” Iruka asked in surprise as a tree exploded and he saw the jonin there. 

“Are you two all right?” Kakashi asked, completely focused on the enemy. 

“We’re okay,” Iruka answered, nodding. He watched Kakashi and he could feel Iruka’s eyes on him, wondering why he wasn’t leaving. “What are you doing here?” 

“I found some of your students who told me what happened. I got concerned,” Kakashi said, glancing over at him for a brief moment. “Go. Get to safety. I’ll handle this.”

Iruka nodded and darted off with Naruto secure on his back, glancing behind when he heard a loud explosion in the trees. “Kakashi!” 

Kakashi heard the cry of his name but he couldn’t lose focus. His wall quickly dissipated as he leapt forward with his lightning blade. Once they were securely tied up, Iruka reappeared at his side. “Thank you very much,” he said with a smile. Kakashi noted that it reached his eyes. “I don’t know what I’d have done.” 

“You still would’ve protected Naruto,” Kakashi said with a little shrug. It was obvious. Even if Iruka hadn’t seen it himself. 

“...I understand what you were talking about now,” Iruka said, looking away from Kakashi. “I wasn’t trying with him. I didn’t want to try.” He looked back up. “But I’m going to give him a chance, even if no one else will.” Kakashi nodded, smiling just the smallest bit behind his mask. His eyes crinkled just the smallest bit, and if Iruka happened to notice...Well, that was okay. 

********

The kunai knife was pressed against the intruder’s neck before Kakashi really had a chance to see who’d broken into his apartment. “Iruka?” he asked, eye widening in surprise. He stepped back, tucking the knife back into his pack, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“I’m sorry to intrude,” Iruka said, scratching at his neck. “I just...I wanted to thank you again. For helping me today. And yesterday. You…You reminded me why I became a teacher after that mission.” Kakashi’s brow arched. “I remember you.” 

“Then you remember that I’m the reason you were hurt during that mission in the first place, so you shouldn’t be thanking me,” Kakashi said, turning his back to Iruka to flip a light on and gather ingredients for dinner. 

“We both know that’s not true,” Iruka said, following him a bit, but standing far enough away so that he wouldn’t be seen as a threat. 

Kakashi paused and turned to look at him. “It is true,” he said. “I was the team leader and I failed my team. I’ve come to terms with it. Stop shouldering blame for something you didn’t do.” He turned back to his counter, chopping a carrot to be used as part of his dinner. “You’ve thanked me. I accept your thanks.” 

He felt the slight change in the atmosphere of his small kitchen and turned just slightly to see Iruka standing closer. His cheeks were flushed and Kakashi’s brow furrowed down. What could he possibly be thinking? “I…Well. I had another idea for thanking you,” Iruka said. “But it seems you’ve already started.” 

Kakashi stared at him for the longest moment before he laughed a little. “You wanted to make me dinner?” Iruka’s darker flush gave him his answer, even if the chuunin didn’t give a verbal response. “How about I make you dinner instead? I’ve been told I’m a decent cook.” 

“Why would you want to cook me dinner?” Iruka asked, which gave Kakashi pause. Why did he want to cook dinner for Iruka? It wasn’t something he went around doing for people he hardly knew. 

“Does it matter?” Kakashi asked, shrugging. 

“I guess not,” Iruka answered as he took a seat at the table. “Should I at least go get something to supplement? Some sake, maybe?” 

Kakashi poured some oil in the pan and turned on the gas burner underneath it. He tossed some of the carrots in, grabbing the broccoli next to start chopping it as well. “I wouldn’t say no to sake,” he said, glancing over his shoulder at Iruka. “Consider that your thanks to me if you still insist on something material.” 

Iruka smiled and shook his head as he stood to leave. “Be seeing you,” he said, though it would be sooner than the words suggested. Kakashi smiled as he heard the door close, surprisingly glad for the company. 

********

Somehow they’d both hadn’t paid attention to how much sake they’d been drinking. And somehow they ended up in the living room, one on each side of the coffee table as they talked about anything and everything that came to mind. And then somehow they ended up kissing across the table. And somehow, just somehow, they ended up in the bedroom. 

Kakashi was not the type of person to sleep with someone without getting to know them first, although an argument could be made that they’d gotten to know each other over sake (even if he couldn’t remember it). Still, he was surprised when he woke up in the morning and Iruka’s arm was draped across his chest. He was even more surprised that his headband was gone, because he tried not to let people see the sharingan even if he had a reputation for it. There was really no need for it outside of battle, so keeping it hidden during his normal routine was just natural. 

“Kakashi?” Iruka asked, his eyes cracking open and widening just slightly when he realized that they were both naked under this sheet. “Shit, I--I don’t usually--I’m not...fuck.” 

“Yeah, we definitely did,” Kakashi said, unable to help himself from a little laugh. “I don’t mind that it happened, if you’re worried about that.” Iruka looked up at him, his eyes still just a little wide. 

“...That’s surprising,” Iruka said after a brief moment of the two of them just looking at each other. “I wouldn’t take you to be gay.” His cheeks flushed a deep red after he said this. “I mean, I just didn’t think you were. I...I just--You seem like a straight--shit, I’ll just stick my foot in my mouth.” He laughed a little, until he was laughing more. “I didn’t mean it in a negative way is what I’m trying to say.” 

“It’s okay,” Kakashi said with a smile. “I enjoy the company of men and women, so you’re not far off.” He trailed a hand along Iruka’s back, teasing his fingertips against the chuunin’s spine. “Not how I imagined the night going.” 

Iruka flushed again, but a smile graced his face. “It might have crossed my mind once I started getting buzzed, but I didn’t think so either,” he said, shivering a little as Kakashi’s fingers traced his spine. 

“I could make you breakfast,” Kakashi said, his voice dropping as he looked down at Iruka. 

Iruka looked up at him and Kakashi could see the almost imperceptible change in his eyes. “I’d like that,” he replied, his own voice dropping just the slightest bit. 

Kakashi tugged him up for a hungry kiss. They were sober now, so he might as well make this something that Iruka would think about once they were done. He didn’t see this becoming a permanent thing, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have a little more fun. 

********

Seeing his name engraved on the monument of heroes made Kakashi feel emptier than the lifeless apartment. The proof that he was actually gone, carved into the stone forever. It hurt to look at, but he needed to face this. He wasn’t going to let this be another situation where he skulked about town, drawing inward. (Even though he knew that was inevitable.)

Kakashi made his way to the single headstone, flowers in hand. Iruka had never said that he liked flowers, but Kakashi wanted to bring some anyway. He sat down on the ground next to the marker, gently placing the stems into the stone vase attached to it. “I failed my team again,” he said, leaning against the headstone. 

He could hear Iruka now. “You didn’t fail anyone,” he’d say. “It wasn’t your fault. Quit blaming yourself for something I did.” Except Kakashi didn’t know how to do that. He’d never known how to do that, not really. He may have come to terms with what he’d done to Rin all those years ago, but that didn’t mean that he had rid himself of the guilt. 

“You’d still be alive if it weren’t for me,” Kakashi muttered as his head fell back. His eyes closed as he tried to imagine Iruka sitting beside him. 

“You did what you could.” But he hadn’t, had he? If he had been with the team, not scouting ahead, then Iruka would still be here. As the team leader, he should have sent one of the chuunin ahead. “Stop it. Your thoughts are so loud.”

“Stop listening, then,” Kakashi sighed as he sat up again. His hand raised to the back of his neck and rubbed it for a moment. “You were always so much better with words.” Kakashi had never been very good at comforting others, so it was no wonder that he was shit at comforting himself. “I never told you when you were alive. But I--” His words died in his throat. 

“You never had to say it, Kashi.” Iruka had said it. He’d said it plenty, but Kakashi had never been able to. But Iruka had never held it against him. He’d never left. Maybe because Kakashi’s emotions were always written on his face around Iruka. He’d never had to say that he loved the chuunin because actions really did speak louder than words. 

“But I love you.” Kakashi said quietly, turning to look at the headstone. “You were the lightest parts of life for me. Your laugh brightened every room in the apartment, your smile blinded my demons. For a while, I was happy. I only hope that I made you happy, too.” 

“I was.” He’d been told by Iruka that he was happy. Happier than he’d ever been. Happier than Mizuki’s friendship had ever made him. 

At least he had the memory of Iruka. At least he knew that Iruka wouldn’t actually blame him. There was no guesswork. Kakashi could blame himself all he wanted, but Iruka never would. Naruto would, for a bit of time, but even the younger chuunin would come to forgive him. 

Kakashi just needed to forgive himself.


End file.
